Because I have two children (Ramsey, 2; and Rowen, 10 months) who are not completely verbal yet, and one (Donovan, 5) who thinks “I don’t know” is the appropriate response to any question, I enjoy speculative writings like this Christmas wish list for a 10-month-old, and that blog about why a two-year-old is crying. I have summed yesterday up with several thoughts I suspect my children must have had…
1. (Donovan) Ooh! Mom made a special trip to get me yogurt, my favorite! After three whole awful, yogurt-less days, I’ll have to pretend my tummy hurts to get out of eating this breakfast!
2. (Ramsey) Ha HA! I got my diaper off! Look! Gaze upon the wonder of my poop!
3. (Donovan) Mom has asked me nicely to get dressed. So I should have another five minutes to watch Powerpuff Girls before she raises her voice.
4. (Rowen) Mom just put me in a coat, hat, and booties! This is a good time to poop!
5. (Donovan) Mom asked me loudly to get dressed. This is a good time to poop.
6. (Ramsey) Poop is hilarious! I will repeat the word “POOP” 763 times.
7. (Donovan) Mom doesn’t believe I brushed my teeth. I totally didn’t. But I could have, while I was pretending to poop, while I was pretending my tummy hurt. I COULD have brushed my teeth. So I did. I DID! I DID!!!
8. (Ramsey) Mom is putting me in the stroller. That means I once again do not get to go to kindergarten. EPIC WAILING! One of these cars passing by as I wail will stop to save me. No one is saving me! I will increase my wailing volume tenfold! THAT will get me to kindergarten!
9. (Ramsey) I didn’t get to go to kindergarten. I will therefore eat one full box of graham crackers and ALL the fruit snacks.
10. (Rowen) I will also eat a box of graham crackers. The actual box.
11. (Ramsey) Hey! Cat food! It will delight me to dump this on the floor!
12. (Rowen) Cat food! Here on the floor! This is the best! I will eat it!
13. (Ramsey) Mom has a broom. I would like my own broom. I want to sweep the cats.
14. (Rowen) Mom has a broom! I want to sit in the filth pile she is making with it. Why does Mom keep moving the filth pile? If I scoot fast enough, I will get to sit in it. It’s moving! I’m scooting! It’s moving! I’m scooting! It’s MOVING!!! Ah! I am sitting in it…
15. (Ramsey) Oh no! Cats DO NOT like being swept! More EPIC WAILING!
16. (Rowen) My brother is wailing. I want to wail too!
17. (Ramsey) The baby is wailing. I am increasing my wailing volume tenfold, to demonstrate my wailing is far more valid.
18. (Rowen) Uh-oh! Mom thinks it’s nap time. I must cry, thrash, and cartwheel from the couch! Napping is the worst! Napping is…Oh! BOOB! Maybe it is nap time…
19. (Ramsey) Mom thinks it is nap time for Rowen. Now is the time I have waited for. Now is the time to unshelve all of the spare condiments from the pantry. Now is the time to spray Windex on the floor. Now is the time to resume cat sweeping!
20. (Ramsey) Oh dear…Mom thinks it is also nap time for me. I will also cry, thrash, and cartwheel…
21. (Ramsey) …What!? I did NOT nap! That is a ridiculous accusation! It must be time to go to kindergarten. But it is NOT happening fast enough!
22. (Rowen) What!? Coat and hat and booties again? Okay, time to poop again, I guess…
23. (Ramsey) If I dump all the clean laundry and spill my leftover juice, I will get to kindergarten faster!
24. (Donovan) Why is mom always late to pick me up from kindergarten?
25. (Ramsey) Oh my goodness! Kindergarten is terrible, and boring! Get me out of here. I shall commence another EPIC WAIL!!!
26. (Donovan) I had a great day at kindergarten, but for some reason I can’t seem to remember a single thing about it when mom asks me.
27. (Ramsey) Why are we leaving kindergarten? Resume the epic wailing!
28. (Donovan) I am sooooooooooo hungry. I can’t survive the five minute walk home, I’m so hungry. If I slouch and slump and complain enough, maybe mom will let me stop to get a treat at Grandpa’s office.
29. (Ramsey) Treat? I am familiar with, and can fully pronounce that word. “Treat! Treat!”
30. (Donovan) TRRRREEEEEEEEEAAAT!!!!!!
31. (Rowen) Treats? For a baby? This is better than cat food!
32. (Ramsey) I have arrived home, and have just remembered how angry I am to have left kindergarten. I shall dump more cat food in protest.
33. (Rowen) Cat food!? That’s better than treats!
34. (Donovan) I know I promised to have a good, healthy snack if I got a treat, but now I’m going to pretend my tummy hurts again…but it doesn’t hurt too bad for me to play some video games.
35. (Ramsey) I want a snack! But all I want is French’s fried onions. All other offerings will be thrown on the floor.
36. (Rowen) Hey! Brother is throwing food! I love food! More than treats and cat food!
37. (Rowen) Dad’s home! I love dad! I’m going to bounce on him to celebrate!
38. (Ramsey) Dad is home, and my sister is bouncing on him. I shall also bounce on him! But harder.
39. (Donovan) Dad wonders why all the babies are bouncing him. I think I’ll bounce the babies.
40. (Ramsey) Mom is putting dishes in the dishwasher. I despise dishes being put in the dishwasher. I will hurl them to the floor.
41. (Rowen) Dirty dishes? I love those even more than food and treats and cat food! I want to lick them!
42. (Donovan) Mom’s doing dishes, but I am SO hungry!
43. (Ramsey) Mom is cooking, so now is an excellent time to put plastic figurines on the stove top.
44. (Donovan) If I whine about being hungry, dinner will be ready sooner, I am sure of it.
45. (Ramsey) Raw potatoes look like good projectiles.
46. (Rowen) Raw potatoes! I love chewing raw potatoes more than licking dirty dishes!
47. (Ramsey) I have discovered the yogurt left uneaten at the table from breakfast. Time to spread it across the carpet.
48. (Rowen) A yogurt mess? I would like to sit in that!
49. (Donovan) What is taking so loooooooong!? I am SO HUNGRY! I’d better mope around the kitchen repeating that I am HUNGRY!!!
50. (Donovan) Mom would like me to help set the table. I just remembered that the only thing I want to do is watch Dad play video games.
51. (Rowen) Video games? I want to eat video games! I have no idea how to eat a video game. Maybe I can sit on a video game?
52. (Ramsey) Dinner time? I disagree…now is the time for climbing speakers.
53. (Rowen) Dinner? I LOVE dinner! This is the best thing that has happened all day! Better than potatoes or cat food! Instead of eating it, I’ll do a very excited dance in my high chair.
54. (Donovan) Dinner? I have suddenly remembered every mundane detail of my school day and have to tell my parents about all the shirts the people in my class wore today.
55. (Ramsey) Despite finishing all the ketchup on my plate, Mom and Dad insist I should sit at the table. I will therefore toss all the DVDs off the shelf.
56. (Donovan) I am pretending to be in a video game.
57. (Rowen) I want more dinner! Mom is eating, and that’s time she’s not spending cutting meat and green beans into baby size bites. I will do an interpretive dance in my high chair to express this.
58. (Ramsey) What I could really use now is some printer paper to tear up.
59. (Donovan) My fork is a good guy and the potatoes are the bad guys.
60. (Ramsey) Dad has gotten out of his chair. I desire his chair more than anything else in the world.
61. (Donovan) I’m going to pull out the old “my tummy hurts” routine and go to the bathroom now. That will get me out of dinner.
62. (Ramsey) Brother has gotten out of his chair. Now I want HIS chair. I want ALL the chairs, in a pile in the corner.
63. (Rowen) Oh my goodness! I am wasting away! I’ll perform a more violent dance. That will get me more food!
64. (Ramsey) Now I want my brother, who is in the bathroom. To express my displeasure, I will throw soda cans.
65. (Rowen) Enough with the food already! I want to bounce on Dad again! Dad is full of food, and good for bouncing.
66. (Donovan) I’ve been told to get ready for bed, so now I am interested in my dinner again. Also, Ramsey has my chair! MY CHAIR! How can I eat dinner without my chair!?
67. (Ramsey) Sister is bouncing on Dad. I am also going to bounce on Dad. But harder. And then I will perch atop his head.
68. (Donovan) I’ve just remembered 96 more things about my day at kindergarten, and I have to tell Mom and Dad about them before I can finish my dinner.
69. (Ramsey) Dad has begun directing his comments about bedtime toward me. Commence epic wailing again!
70. (Rowen) Bedtime? I just remembered I am starving! I want a BOOB!
71. (Donovan) All this talk of bedtime has reignited my interest in eating my dinner.
72. (Ramsey) I will hurl myself repeatedly into this wall!
73. (Donovan) I wonder how pirates eat dinner.
74. (Ramsey) I shall walk on a path of raw potatoes.
75. (Donovan) Now is a good time to tell my parents the story of how my teacher moved her chair to the other side of the desk.
76. (Rowen) I want a BOOOOOOOB!!! I have not eaten at all today!
77. (Ramsey) Cats love to be wrestled.
78. (Donovan) My hair feels funny.
79. (Ramsey) Cats do not love to be wrestled! I shall wedge myself in an armchair in dismay.
80. (Rowen) I WANT–Oh! Boob! My favorite. Must be nap time…
81. (Ramsey) I cannot unwedge myself. Resume epic wailing! At full volume!
82. (Donovan) I wonder what’s making my brother cry. And why my sister is so quiet. I’ll just take a little break from eating my dinner to ask about these things at FULL VOLUME, waking my sister in the process and making my brother cry even harder.
83. (Ramsey) Dad seems serious about bedtime. I can delay it by evading all attempts to change my diaper.
84. (Rowen) Bedtime? That is NOT my favorite! I must be hungry again!
85. (Donovan) Gosh, the word “bedtime” gets tossed around a lot here. But I REALLY want to finish my dinner.
86. (Ramsey) A Wiimote doubles as an excellent fencing foil!
87. (Donovan) I finished my dinner, so now I want a treat. Two treats. Treats left over from Valentine’s Day. I love Valentine’s Day. I like getting cards. Hey! Last year at Valentines Day we had just gotten our little baby Rowen! I wonder if mom remembers that. And before that, when we got my baby brother, I got M&Ms at the hospital out of a machine. Better make sure Mom remembers that too. Uh-oh, Mom’s eyes are starting to glaze over…I better just chant “TREAT!” until she remembers what she’s supposed to be doing.
88. (Ramsey) Treat? I enjoy chanting that word along with my brother.
89. (Rowen) Brothers are having treats! I want treats more than boobs or dishes or potatoes or cat food or anything else I have ever seen in my life!
90. (Donovan) I want a book. Three books. I want to read two of them myself!
91. (Ramsey) I do not want my brother to read the books tonight, and will therefore dump out all the fish food to express my displeasure.
92. (Rowen) Brothers are reading books with Mom. Why am I with Dad? If I wail loudly enough, surely I can also have books, which I just remembered I love more than cat food or potatoes!
93. (Ramsey) I hate books. I want Dad!!!
94. (Donovan) I want to talk about everything we will eat tomorrow, what I want for Christmas, what kind of birthday party I want next year, some thoughts I’ve had about my next Halloween costume, which days next week I want hot lunch, and what sports I would like to play when I’m an adult. Also, when I’m an adult, I’ll play video games whenever I want, and drive a car. Sometimes I get to drive Grandpa’s truck…oh, the lights are going out.
95. (Ramsey) Why have the lights gone out? I wanted more books!
96. (Rowen) I just remembered that I haven’t been fed today. I am starving! I will wail my displeasure!
97. (Ramsey) Sister is wailing in the next room. Now I also have to wail, and louder, lest anyone forget that whatever I am upset about (which I cannot currently recall) is still more valid than the thing my sister is upset about.
98. (Donovan) All the babies are wailing. That makes it easier for me to stay awake and pretend to be asleep so I can sneak out of bed and sleep on the floor next to the heater in a big pile of pillows, which I only do to annoy Mom.
99. (Ramsey) If I stick enough fingers up my nose, I won’t have to sleep…
100. (Rowen) Mom has me! I can’t remember what I was yelling at Dad about. Hey! Boobs! My very favorite! And I guess I could have a short nap…